Letter From One Betrayed By All

CAUTION: Extremely foul language!
You jackass, you inconsiderate, violating, jerk. I wish you would drop off the face of the earth. You promise me you will be good, you promise me I can trust you. And yet, I keep a close eye on you, but I cannot keep a close enough eye on you and during the moment I look away, you violate every last bit of trust that inhabits my body. You have ruined my mental state and I will ruin yours. You violate a woman's religious beliefs by making her feel bad for believing so and pressure her into giving into your conniving, thieving ways. You have robbed my last friend-now former friend of her innocense. I dispise your very existance. You have robbed one of the few remaining women to follow a dying tradition to be one less leaving me the only remaining in my circle to do so. I hope you rot in hell you low life of a boy. You do not deserve the mere sustinence you have been given. You make me wish I had done more. But how could I have known you were such a misguided asshole. Go die you prick.

Update

So its been quite a while since I've been on, but I've decided to switch this to a general diary. Some good things, and some bad things have happened. Things are going very well with my on and off boyfriend of a year, and I am visiting him for Christmas. Unfortunately I have a stalker, and he won't go away. I have many projects coming up in school, and I am now looking at the possibility of juggling a restraining order filing in addition to school problems. I had a pretty close friend online who has blocked me on our only avenue of contact for some unknown reason. I am very upset about these things and normally I'd vent to my wonderful boyfriend however the poor guy just started a new job and is exhausted so went to bed early, which means my normal avenue of venting is gone. All in all I'm exhausted. I've also been having to ration my depression mediation until I can find a regular Psychiatrist which is proving very very difficult. Right now I just want to break down, but I know I have to push through this. Now if only my dad would actually take me to church....

The Psych Ward and Group therapy

I remember just sitting there, group therapy,holding my knees, head down, not looking at anyone. They would ask me why are you here? I'd simply respond "I was suicidal." "Why were you suicidal?", they would ask. I'd just respond, " I found no point in life." I knew they didn't particularly care. I was just another patient, just another suicidal wreck there that didn't want to be there. Yes, I had come willingly, but just barely so. Another day or two and I would have been forcefully dragged in. I was put on the main ward, for those non violent. I should've been put in another ward because I had thrown fits. They had a police officer making sure I didn't change my mind and leave, though legally they couldn't have stopped me. I felt no joy in life,no point in living when I was borderline athiest. I felt that if there was nothing out there,why bother going through life miserable and depressed when nothing else but this life existed. I had wanted to die for months. Sitting in my room, night after night,crying myself to sleep, hugging my knees and rocking. The true picture of mental illness, though if you knew me times other than then you would never have known how severe it was, nor how badly I wanted to die. My friends did not know, they had no clue that on Christmas eve night I sat with a knife in my hand, ready to turn it on myself at any moment, somehow getting through and surviving until late January when my boyfriend finally convinced me that it was time to get the help I so dreaded of recieving. This is my story. This is my life. Depressed, suicidal, miserable. How I recovered from that I am not quite sure. But this is me.

Pictures

Some new pictures I found that I loved and wanted to share with all of my Wiccan friends. I love my new faith.

My Confession

I know its been a while since I've posted, but school keeps me rediculously busy. So heres the update with me. My parents are trying to convert me along with 2 or 3 of my close friends. I've hidden a relationship from my friends for months because my love and I broke up for a single day and got back together. I feel terrible but I didn't want to seem like an idiot. To my friends who are reading: I'm sorry, please forgive me and whatever you do please don't confront me about this, trust me I feel terrible enough as is. I'm eating ramen noodles for a month because I need to save money due to a new computer I got so if I seem paler, I'm probably slightly malnurished. I love my friends and never ment to hurt any of you. Forgive me please. I'm probably failing some classes and I'm rather depressed about it. In fact everything piling up has made me depressed and right now Sam is the only one making me happy. So to everyone: this is my confession, I'm sorry.

The Persecution of a Witch

Today my father found out I am Pagan. Today, today I was persecuted for something I believe is right. The persecution of anyone is wrong. Why do we then persecute that with which we are not familiar? Is a pear not unfamiliar before we first try it? Yet why is it that we do not spurn the pear, yet we spurn the witch? Surely this cannot make sense. Pitty as it were. If only....if only I were accepted for myself. I sent my father a long, thought out reason as to why I should be able to practice my religion as I wish and he refuses to answer it. I am close to requesting specifically that my request is answered post haste. He said that I need to hide my religion because I am an embarrassment to him. I refuse to go back in the broom closet. I love my religion and I'm proud of it. Raising a Pagan child/adult is apparently severely frowned upon. If only he would accept me as I am. Anyone have any comments? ......Anyone?
-The Rejected and Dejected

The Dead Soldiers

One of my close friends is a medically discharged x Marine and today I get a call with absolutely terrible news.... 2 of his x coworkers were shot due to a bad decision made by the corporal who took over post friend's leave. May they rest in peace. And not pieces. I know that's not funny but I couldn't resist. But thats beside the point. Today I admitted to a close, yet bible beating friend of mine that I am now Pagan and proud of it. I cannot tell you how terrified I was that they would stop talking to me all together. Luckily I ended up getting an IM soon after talking to me yet again. Also I may be getting a new computer because of the bad quality of my current one which likes to make the keys not work and freeze up along with randomely shut down.Well in other news, Sarah has gained an e-stalker. I was on a chat site and a sorta attractive guy decides to talk to me. No big deal right? Wrong. Then he asks for my number which I give to him, then he asks me for my skype, yahoo, and we start talking. The next day he IMs me most of the day and asks if we can skype while I'm cooking dinner. NO! He asks why not and of course I reply because I'm focusing on dinner. But in other other news, my coach has decided next week to start me on layback spins. I. AM. DOOMED! Pray for me.... Until next time,-The Terrified Figure Skater

Shopping and the Pentacle

So yesterday I was so bored and tired of homework that me and a close friend went to the mall, me, usually very unlucky with things ended up finding a dress and a new purse along with getting my necklace today. Best of all the pentacle goes great with the necklace since both are a deep purple.

The Pentacle and the Cross

Very literal blog meaning I know. Its about time we had a picture of both. A few days ago I noticed I had a follower so to that follower I give a shout out! Hey! Thanks for following my blog! I don't know you but I think its awsome that you'd follow my little ole blog.

Blessed Be, The Girl With the Pentacle and a Cross

Sensitivity

If you happen to be so sensitive that you snap at me then get irritated when I snap at you, do yourself a favor and stick your head in the ground and suck it up. Heres my vent. Shut up if you think that being so emotional that you tell me don't talk to you after I refuse to back down because you snap at me. And as far as things go, if you appologize, great. I'd love to forgive you. Heck, I even appologized for snapping at you. And you know who you are. I deeply care about you. You know I care. So forgive me and ask for forgiveness and I'll forgive you. In other news....the pentacle is on the way and my 5 page paper is 3/4 of the way done. I had to take a break to vent. And witchcraft....well I still love it. Always,-The Girl With The Anger Of A Thousand Suns

Pentacle

So my pentacle shipped today after much confusion with the company as to the billing adress but hey, I'm so excited! I've been wearing a homemade one since yesterday. Its a crescent moon encircling a star and not only that but the moon has celtic symbols. Its got an amythist in the center as well. It should be here within 3-5 days. I.Am.So.EXITED!!! My cars been in the shop all day getting stitching worked on on the drivers side seat and the oil changed and tires rotated and balanced. Its alot of work but its gotta be done. Well thats all for now. I've got a paper to write. Until next time, The Girl With the Pentacle Necklace

The Shadows

After 2 days of being free of those horrible spirits, I see them once more. In order to have my energy flow freely I have to see them. What a pitty, expecially when one of those things happens to be a giant dragon which enjoys blocking the hallway. At least I've got my magic. I ordered a pentacle which, thank the stars, should be here within a few days. It took a bit with the different billing information, but if all goes well it should be here on friday. While I take this break from homework to collect my thoughts, I want to say thank you to all of my friends who follow my blog, it means alot that my voice is heard, whether dramatic or not. The weight gain shakes are still being consumed, and the weight gain is occuring in a healthy manner. Y'all are great. Thanks for being there for me. -The Girl Taunted By Shadows

The Talk With Mister Mentor

Don't quite know what to do yet. I spoke with my mentor and, of course, he made things seem fine. I can't quite decide if I want to take up that Wiccan couple on their offer to teach me Witchcraft for just the price of the books I need. Oh well, I've got a few days to decide. I looked up healing spells for the stomach due to a severe stomach ache of mine. My gosh were they interesting, one requires I leave spring water out under the moonlight and either bathe in it or drink it the next day. The other one requires that I boil a pigs foot, remove the bone, and rub the bone clockwise on my stomach. Odd? I think so. I think I shall look up more of these unusual spells. Hahaha, but seriously, trying one of these seems like a good idea. Maybe tomorrow, I don't feel like going outside OR boiling a pigs foot today. Anyway, until next time -The Pagan Without a Path

Run Little Boy Run

I was instructed by my mentor to go buy a pentacle at all costs today. So, naturally, I walk into a place which gave me good vibes. I there descover a psychic, who, in an attempt to help me, read my mentors energy. Its dark. Very dark. Hes trying to make himself like that of a God, and in addition to that hes been decieving me. Am I happy? No, I am LIVID. You do NOT cross me and get away without some battle wounds. Why haven't I been taught how to ground myself yet? Thats one of the first things you are supposed to learn and I'm stuck learning history. Dear mentor, you are not a great teacher like you claimed, you are decietful, malicious, and dark. Run little boy run, this volcanoe is about to blow, and when it does, it'll strike you.

The Mentor From Hell

So my dad was in town and I don't get to see him for months usually. My mentor gave me homework and well I decided family was more important. Big mistake. I got yelled at until I cried. Fun fun fun. Well now I'm trying to comfort my friend who just lost her boyfriend, finish 2 english papers, one public speaking paper, and study for a geology exam. On top of all this I have to keep my mentor calm and AWAY from dropping me as a student. Unless of course any of you out there know a pagan who won't mind teaching little ole me.... but of course not. And now my mentor is demanding I go to bed. Will I? Sure, after my blog entry is finished and my best friend stops crying her eyes out about her relationship with her now x. Pitty my life is so complicated, but then again, I'm sure I'm not the only one. So here I am waiting for a text back. And there it is.... so now here I am offering fondue and a warm hug to my friend who I've known since..... since kindergarten. I met her on the bus actually. So off to bed I go with dreams of fondue cheese and chocolate filling up the cracks in our hearts yet again. Somehow we always magically end up there when a break up happens. But hey, if fondue mends a broken heart, I'm not complaining. Once again, -The Girl With the Cheese Filled Heart

The Day as a Goth

You know how people say they are there for you, and then they decide not to act in your best interests, and rather, force their opinions onto you? Well... I guess thats why I'm scared of showing my best friend and my parents this blog. It also may be that, quite frankly, I'm afraid of what they will think. Today I dressed goth-ish, black corsette and dark purple nailpolish and no blush. I looked quite good if I do say so myself, but my dad suggested that I not dress like this to a Pentecostal church that decided my dark colored nailpolish was demonic, because the revenge aspect is bad. Well I still kind of want to, but he also suggested that I not go back to start with. I told them I'd go back, and I keep my promises.... maybe I'll tone it down a bit, but I still want to get just that tiny bit of revenge. Hung out with my best friend today, made smoothies, and crashed onto my bed(those who have any twisted fantasies in mind, let me ruin them right now, shes a devout Christian with morals the same as mine). So on an upside, I depart for the night. -The Goth of Smiles

Tears of the Lost

So here I am crying my eyes out wondering how I got to this point. How I got to the point where I questioned a faith which I once believed with all my heart was right. I want to be Christian again... I just don't  know how to get back to that point. And frankly, I'm not quite ready to give up on being a witch. Not yet.... someday I'll be there... but not yet. I feel like my calling is here right now. I miss it though. I miss that feeling of belonging and trust. I miss the love of people you didn't even know and most of all I miss my grandmother. She always had the right answers. No matter what you could go to her and well it seemed that she'd figured it all out long ago. Oh well.... maybe I'll see her one day.... assuming I pick the right path and aren't doomed to the fires of eternal Hell and damnation.... OH joy.... this'll be just peachy won't it? Heh... well until next time,
-The Girl With Tears of Glass

The Refusal of Athiesm

Carrying a bible in my purse and not believing it. Wanting to believe but not being able to. Its like something....or someone.... is blocking my ability to believe what I want to believe. I've seen visions and demons,angels and ghosts. I don't believe what I've seen anymore. I cannot.... I will not live life merely believing that there is nothing past that. I must believe. I must train. I must read the bible until I cannot read it any longer... I must meditate. But most importantly I must pray. Praying to a God you aren't sure exists... seeing your power but not believing that it was you which did what you commanded to happen. Frustration. Denial. Irritation. These are things which I face constantly. Oh Lord if you care help me believe. I will believe. I have to..... I need to. I've gotten through this before I'll do it again. Until next time,-The Warrior of Faiths

The Curse of a Seer

Well you will either think I'm totally off my rocker for this or you will be fascinated....or you could be one of the few who will go OH MY GOSH I'M NOT ALONE??? Anyway, the case is this: I both sense and see spirits and have since I was 4. Am I crazy? Ask any Wiccan and most Christians(the devout ones) and they will tell you no. No I'm not crazy. I'm supposedly "gifted". In all actuality.... I'm being followed. HAUNTED by demons. And I always will be. They know I see and they feed off of fear, so they follow me. They follow me like moths to a lightbulb shining through a cotton or wool shirt. And why am I so afraid? Well you would be too if you saw hell through a crystal ball at the age of 13! And that is how I know it exists. That...that is why I am terrified of these demons. Creatures that eminate fear and push it into your life when you are around them. Why don't I get rid of them? Well I pray to God for them to leave and it keeps them far enough away to hurt me, and protection spells wear off if used to much. They can't hurt me, but I get frequent nightmares which I don't wake up from till the morning. These nightmares are so terrifying when I wake up the very first thing I often do is cry. I wish I'd been gifted with bravery instead of this. Pitty I wasn't hmm? Oh well. I could get rid of these visions MAYBE with medication...just maybe. But I take over 14 pills a day. I don't want to take another just to make my doctors think I'm even more off my rocker and stop these dang visions. So for now I must try to gain bravery. Lets just hope it works....

Morning world!

Well its morning. I've got homework from my mentor so that means spending hours on the computer looking up pagan terms and pouring through that spellbook I bought yesterday. Gotta balance 2 papers and studying along with it. Wish me luck! Stomach has been acting up quite a bit, stupid Crohn's disease. Its probably stress related. I found out my best friend WON'T have to go to Iraq this morning. Praise God! It was a medical discharge. Sad, I know. But hey, it keeps me from worrying about him being shot. That means I don't have to beg him to let me do a protection spell around him.

I'm dogsitting today. Hyperactive crazy psychopath of a puppy thinks both my feet AND the TV remote are edible. I had to pry pieces of the remote out of his mouth. The owner gets back on Wednesday, so until then I'm housesitting and dogsitting. Though I really don't see why a house would need to be watched after. Anyway the puppy is driving me crazy constantly licking me and trying to trip me.

Day 1

Hello all, my name is Sarah. Religious conflicts are relatively common, but in my case...well anything goes. Here is my story. I'm a Southern Baptist Christian/healer in training-Pagan and former gypsy. Stuck somewhere on the fence between what one religion considers Satanic and the other considers a total screw up of their beliefs. Me? I believe that the Christian God is the true God but magic isn't a sin. What else? I'm best friends with a Pagan. And my friends? Christian. Almost all of them. So are my parents. If only they knew.... but thank the stars they don't. But I have to tell someone.... so thats what brings me here. Today I went to 2 church services at 2 different churches and bought a spell book. Confused? Yes... why yes I am. About my blogs- they won't be very long. I hate writing papers. The longest thing will likely be my poetry that I'll post once I get around to it. Now about me: I'm 19, a Figure Skating coach's assistant. I'm also in college majoring in psychology. Any questions go for it. I'm an open book.